Pinned on Nowhere

By Amalia Airiz Casta

Caged in my ribs, it pulsates out undeserving life to my futile flesh.
It injects the throbbing of the demise it denies.
It is the very thing that pinned me on the board.
I’m unable to go forward; I’m unable to go back.
They called it the heart.

Beneath the solitary starlight, alone I hover;
Betwixt insomnia and sleep, half-dead and half-alive
Clobbered by shadows of ambiguity, I gasp for air.
I flash a lost stare across the realms of my melancholic nostalgia,
But you were never there.

I’m a marionette of my grudge and love for you.
You pulled and cut the strings, but you caused them to mend and move again.
You put me to life; yet you prepared my grave.
You renew and medicate my aches. I thought you could hear me,
But you were never there.

I close my eyes, but I never slept and dreamed.
I simply glance back at the memories…
Tumbling over one another,
Mixing, colliding. Merciless. Suffocating.
And you were never there.

Ring-around-a-carousel, am I just your murder doll?
Hate nourishes my affection for you,
My oblivion longs for my memory of you.
My broken, shattered, pulverized heart sings for you.
Yet you were never there.

But though you were never there,
My bruised wings will still struggle for you.
I abhor and care, I remember and forget.
Emotions really are razor-edged for my brittle soul,
But I’ll abandon suicide and my grave for you.